Wake up call...

So now that my situation from last night has calmed and came to some semblence of a peaceful landing, I'm going to go back and recant on these things and try to make a little sense of them. Here is where we are. Last Thursday, I was feeling a little ill in the vocal chords and decided to do some preventative medicine. That preventative medicine only loosened up everything that was already in there and it only seemed to get worse. The continual use of my voice and the endless coughing episodes led me to believe that there was no way that I would be able to sing and in turn I would be letting everyone down. I had convinced myself that all of the responsibility was upon me.
Last night was one of the worst nights that I have ever experienced in playing and singing music. We sang Beautiful One, Lord I Lift Your Name on High, and Holy Is the Lord. Before the set, I had broken a string on my guitar - they were a brand new set. Right before Holy Is the Lord I tried to give a little "pep-up" speech in order to try to motivate some of the youth that seemed to be able to care even less than I did that we were up there playing and trying to lead "worship". As I was talking to them, I found myself thinking in my head as I do many times when we are singing and playing for others. I asked myself, "Who am I to be trying to get them to sing and worship? Who am I to ask them if they mean the words that they are singing? I don't think that I even mean them myself at this point." At the very end of of that song, I broke the same string again. My heart sank and I felt as if I had just been slain on the battlefield. My voice, which is what I have always considered my strongest weapon was practically gone, my guitar was not coming through for me, my amp was cutting in and out for some reason, and the kids were just gone, I felt defeated.
Later that night after we left the church, I found myself being brutally honest with myself and with God. I realized that when I had went in the bathroom after playing to try and hack up one of my vocal chords that I had called out to God and asked him, "Why?". I told a friend of mine later that night that I truthfully had gotten mad at God. I felt as though he had let me down and in turn I had let him and many others down in the process. I had begged and prayed that he would give me my voice back and it just never came. Once again, I asked he and myself, "Why?".
It wasn't until after I had gotten back from Wal-Mart and talked to my dad about all of this that I realized the "why" of it all. One of my bandmates came in my room and noticed quickly my "bummed" state of being. I explained to him that I just felt like if I couldn't sing that I was letting everyone down. I felt as though I was letting the kids down because I couldn't yell and shout and talk to them and try to get them into things tonight. I felt as though their lack of enthusiasm was my fault. I felt as though I let Brandon down by not being able to do this aswell. I also felt like I would let Brandon down if I couldn't sing anymore, meaning if we had to cancel the rest of the week because of me. That made and honestly still does some, make me feel horrible. I felt like I would be letting down my bandmates if I couldn't sing. If one of them were sick, then we could struggle through it and play anyway. If I am sick and can't sing, then we can't play. I felt if we couldn't play, it was my fault. Most of all, I felt like I was letting God down by not being able to fulfill my obligations to others and most of all to Him. All of this was brought to a head and then soon became clearer when our bass player said, "Dude maybe you have come to a point in your life where God is telling you, 'Look, it is not all about you.' ".
This made me step back and think for a second. Even after he said this, I still whined and complained in my previous blog. It was not until this morning at work that I could really expound on all of these things. I realized through the talking of God through my bandmates that I could do nothing about being sick. I could not make it better. I am just human and there could be the possibility that I would have to sit out a gig or two. I realized that I had taken too much pride in what I do and in turn took too much of the responsibility on myself. I was sinning by trying to take from God what was his. He wanted to help me and bear my load. I would not let him. He in turn, had to humble me so much as to see I could not do it alone. I can not do it without him. I am nothing without him. This is thr truth. So many times we sing the words, "not to us but to your name, be the glory." I began to think about those words and that song this morning and last night and realized that it was my pride coming in the way of the things that God wanted to show me. I can not make that band work, only He can. He had to show me that at times even I am uncapable of doing things. I am not God. Only he can take on all the responsibilities of his people and never bat an eye at it. This amazes me greatly.
I am feeling a lot better today. I feel as though most of my energy is returning although I am still somewhat fatigued from some of the coughing. My voice feels much better even though I am still a little nasal. I have accepted the fact that if God does not want me to sing tonight or the rest of the week, then I won't. I'm not going to fight him; he knows what is best for all parties involved. Father, all of the events of today I commit into your hands and give them to you. I give you all of my worries and concerns and lay them at your feet. If I pick them back up, please tell me about it and help me to put them back down, no matter how many times it may take. Please heal my voice and my body that I might sing your praises again. Forgive me of my pride and thank you for keeping my straight and humble. You and you alone are God and worthy of my praise.
See you in the clouds...