Wake up call...

So now that my situation from last night has calmed and came to some semblence of a peaceful landing, I'm going to go back and recant on these things and try to make a little sense of them. Here is where we are. Last Thursday, I was feeling a little ill in the vocal chords and decided to do some preventative medicine. That preventative medicine only loosened up everything that was already in there and it only seemed to get worse. The continual use of my voice and the endless coughing episodes led me to believe that there was no way that I would be able to sing and in turn I would be letting everyone down. I had convinced myself that all of the responsibility was upon me.
Last night was one of the worst nights that I have ever experienced in playing and singing music. We sang Beautiful One, Lord I Lift Your Name on High, and Holy Is the Lord. Before the set, I had broken a string on my guitar - they were a brand new set. Right before Holy Is the Lord I tried to give a little "pep-up" speech in order to try to motivate some of the youth that seemed to be able to care even less than I did that we were up there playing and trying to lead "worship". As I was talking to them, I found myself thinking in my head as I do many times when we are singing and playing for others. I asked myself, "Who am I to be trying to get them to sing and worship? Who am I to ask them if they mean the words that they are singing? I don't think that I even mean them myself at this point." At the very end of of that song, I broke the same string again. My heart sank and I felt as if I had just been slain on the battlefield. My voice, which is what I have always considered my strongest weapon was practically gone, my guitar was not coming through for me, my amp was cutting in and out for some reason, and the kids were just gone, I felt defeated.
Later that night after we left the church, I found myself being brutally honest with myself and with God. I realized that when I had went in the bathroom after playing to try and hack up one of my vocal chords that I had called out to God and asked him, "Why?". I told a friend of mine later that night that I truthfully had gotten mad at God. I felt as though he had let me down and in turn I had let him and many others down in the process. I had begged and prayed that he would give me my voice back and it just never came. Once again, I asked he and myself, "Why?".
It wasn't until after I had gotten back from Wal-Mart and talked to my dad about all of this that I realized the "why" of it all. One of my bandmates came in my room and noticed quickly my "bummed" state of being. I explained to him that I just felt like if I couldn't sing that I was letting everyone down. I felt as though I was letting the kids down because I couldn't yell and shout and talk to them and try to get them into things tonight. I felt as though their lack of enthusiasm was my fault. I felt as though I let Brandon down by not being able to do this aswell. I also felt like I would let Brandon down if I couldn't sing anymore, meaning if we had to cancel the rest of the week because of me. That made and honestly still does some, make me feel horrible. I felt like I would be letting down my bandmates if I couldn't sing. If one of them were sick, then we could struggle through it and play anyway. If I am sick and can't sing, then we can't play. I felt if we couldn't play, it was my fault. Most of all, I felt like I was letting God down by not being able to fulfill my obligations to others and most of all to Him. All of this was brought to a head and then soon became clearer when our bass player said, "Dude maybe you have come to a point in your life where God is telling you, 'Look, it is not all about you.' ".
This made me step back and think for a second. Even after he said this, I still whined and complained in my previous blog. It was not until this morning at work that I could really expound on all of these things. I realized through the talking of God through my bandmates that I could do nothing about being sick. I could not make it better. I am just human and there could be the possibility that I would have to sit out a gig or two. I realized that I had taken too much pride in what I do and in turn took too much of the responsibility on myself. I was sinning by trying to take from God what was his. He wanted to help me and bear my load. I would not let him. He in turn, had to humble me so much as to see I could not do it alone. I can not do it without him. I am nothing without him. This is thr truth. So many times we sing the words, "not to us but to your name, be the glory." I began to think about those words and that song this morning and last night and realized that it was my pride coming in the way of the things that God wanted to show me. I can not make that band work, only He can. He had to show me that at times even I am uncapable of doing things. I am not God. Only he can take on all the responsibilities of his people and never bat an eye at it. This amazes me greatly.
I am feeling a lot better today. I feel as though most of my energy is returning although I am still somewhat fatigued from some of the coughing. My voice feels much better even though I am still a little nasal. I have accepted the fact that if God does not want me to sing tonight or the rest of the week, then I won't. I'm not going to fight him; he knows what is best for all parties involved. Father, all of the events of today I commit into your hands and give them to you. I give you all of my worries and concerns and lay them at your feet. If I pick them back up, please tell me about it and help me to put them back down, no matter how many times it may take. Please heal my voice and my body that I might sing your praises again. Forgive me of my pride and thank you for keeping my straight and humble. You and you alone are God and worthy of my praise.
See you in the clouds...

Just not my day...

Well I managed to allow the bad day to get even worse. I'm going to tell you the end of this story and then we are going to "Tarantino" it, and I'm going to go backwards and tell you how it got to that point. And yes, I know that was from Dane Cook.
So here we are, I just got off the phone with my lovely girlfriend whose birthday was today and whom I did not get to see or spend any time with on this her special day. The reason you ask? I had to play which is not a big deal because it is what I do, what I love, and what she wants me to be doing aswell. So, she has been crying. Why? Because, I have had a bad day. Not because I was mean and I took it out on her, but just because she loves me and genuinely didn't like me having a bad day. When one of us is in a crappy mood, both of us sort of tend to get that way. I feel as though I know too, that she was upset and just sad in general because not only could I not be there, but I couldn't even be happy with her all day on this her special day. No, this was not selfish of her, so don't think that. It was her day.
So, now we are going to go back and figure out how all of this came to be. We will have to start on Thursday, because that is the day that I noticed that my voice was getting weak and that I might have the makings of a sinus infection inside of me. So, knowing that I have to play for the next week and a half, I go to the doctor, get a shot and some medicine like I have many times before. I feel much better that afternoon. The next day it starts going down hill and has only gotten worse since then. The past two days I have been doing everything in the book just in order to make my voice strong enough to get by for about twenty minutes worth of singing. I have sucked on REAL lemons, not went without a honey-lemon cough drop in my mouth for more than 15 or so minutes, gargled with honey and lemon juice, gargled with warm salt water, used some sort of Zinc spray, taken anti-biotics and some other doctor prescribed medicine, and used chloraseptic just to numb the pain. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything that I know. It just keeps getting worse.
This wouldn't be as big of a deal if we didn't have to play this Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Yes, that is all week long. I feel as though I have an obligation to the people that we are to play for and to my bandmates. You see, if one of them were to get sick, then we could struggle through it and play without them; however, if I am out, then we can not play. I know that my voice and body need rest, but I don't know when I have time to give it to them.
I woke up today and tried to take it as easy as possible, except for the times that I would cough and feel as though one of my vocal chords might just come up. I'm feeling bad about not being able to be with Molly on her birthday and not being able to get her anything that would even let her know that I'm thinking about her. On top of all that, I am feeling bad about not being able to do my job to its fullest potential. My body is tired from coughing and snotting and I'm just worn down. On the way to the place we were to play, I continue to just feel bad about everything and hope that somehow it will all turn out ok. We get there and things seem to be cool and everything is going allright. Well, yesterday, I put new strings on my guitar and keep in mind these strings have been on there for a long time. In sound check tonight, I broke the G string. This equals upsetting. I change the string and finish sound check, I'm thinking and praying..."God just get me through this please."
The time has come to play. I'm nervous and scared. The kids seemed pretty cool and I am thinking that they will help out some. Well, I wasn't exactly correct. They were ok. We were going to do about a four song set, then come back up for one more, then a break, then one more. Well, I'm struggling through the songs (singing) and it's going ok. Well, on the third song, I break the SAME STRING AGAING! This equals frustration. Oh and not to mention, for some reason, my amp kept cutting in and out, and it never does that. So at this point, I'm looking for another string after I have cut the set short, prayed and gotten Brandon to come up and speak and went to the back to change my string. I get up to go to the bathroom and blow my nose and hack up my vocal chords. At this point, I'm so frustrated and begging God to make this stop and asking why this is happening. We get back up and struggle through one more song and then we are through. On the way, home I am just feeling weak and pathetic in general, all of the negativity of today's events seem to be escalating.
I try to call Molly on the way home and she is eating so I decide to wait until I get home to try again. When I try again, she is busy trying on clothes with her mom, and she is going to call me back...no big deal. When she called back, I was talking to my dad. When I called her back, I was kinda down and told her how my day had been so bad. This in turn, brought her day down. When I had talked to her today I had just talked about how bad my day was and me having a bad day on her birthday made her have a bad day. Well she called me back about ten minutes later and I could tell something wasn't right. I finally figured out that she was down and not happy because I wasn't. This, this made me feel the worst of all. After all that had happened, I managed to bring down the one I love on her special day. How could I be so selfish as to do this? Couldn't I have just left my negativity and bad day alone for just a little while? Why did I have to dump it on her?
To make a long story short, it's been a long and not so good day. I don't know what I'm going to do about my voice. My dad told me that I wasn't superman and that I might need to accept the fact that we may have to cancel a few gigs in order for me to get better. I didn't like that. I know that I gave this entire situation to God earlier today but I know that I picked it up and took it away from Him. I have to give it back if I want to see it get better. I feel really mean and selfish for taking anything away from Molly on her birthday. I wanted nothing more than to be with her and make her happy today, and I even fell short on that. Molly, if you read this, I'm sorry baby and I will make it up to you. I hope you liked your song, even if it was a butchered up version. God please, make all of this better...
See you in the clouds... I hope I can still fly...

Jerry Maguire...

First of all let me say, I am posting this on myspace and on my blog in hopes that you all will see and read this and that your hearts will be convicted as mine has about how we now, at times, treat what we do. I also pray that you as fans and good friends will keep us in your prayers and encourage us to keep searching and striving to do God's will alone and none of ours. Also, and most importantly, do not take anything that is written below as a sign and or meaning that we as One Way are breaking up or anything of the such. WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP. So, with that being said, let's begin.

Lazy, lack of dedication, lacking...these are just a few of the words that one of my fellow bandmates used to describe us as a band recently. The more that I've thought about it, the more troubled I have become by these ideas. I would like to say that they are only accusations but to be just that, we would have to be innocent. The truth is that we probably...well, we are those things. We have always been lazy in the business end of the ministry. Partly because we don't know how to do it correctly and partly because we don't want to learn. Why we don't want to learn is beyond me. There are questions that I just don't know the answer to. I believe that maybe part of the reason that we won't learn and get out there and do it is because we are scared. I will further address that later. We have toyed with the idea of getting incorporated for some time now, over a year and still nothing has been accomplished. Some of us wait for others to motivate us, some feel they need permission to do things, and others do not care. Where are we? What are we doing?
At one point in time, there was a common goal among all of the members of One Way to push and to go as far as we could as hard as we could. We knew that God had placed a desire in our hearts and that he had blessed us with amazing talents that others would love to have. Yet, for some reason he chose us to be the bearers of these weapons of worship. Years ago, we would have loved to play as much as we do know and there are many, many bands out there right now that would love to play as much as we do, because they do not. I feel as though we are like the spoiled child that when he finally gets what he wants, he no longer wants it but longs to be free from that toy so he can move onto another one. We should be ashamed. Yes, it does get hard playing the same songs over and over and it seems as though at times the people aren't caring about what we are trying to do, but recently I have asked myself this question, "Is it their fault or ours?" I am of the opinion that it does go both ways but our attitudes of worship and of playing have changed so much in the past year and a half that at times I am ashamed to get up to play before the Father. Now, it seems that more often than not, we view what we do as a job and not a privledge and an honor. It is no doubt that God should strip from us our talents if we keep on in sin and abusing his gifts the way that we do.
We are all getting older and coming to points in our lives to where we have to make decisions about our future and the future of our families. I know that we have to provide for our families and do for them the best that we can. Before any of us got girlfriends or the possibility of wives, I know that we all prayed for women of God that would be supportive of our ministry and supportive of our decions no matter what the cost of them. I feel that all of our significant others would encourage us and want us to follow our dreams and the desires of our hearts before settling into some nine to five job and leaving those hopes and dreams high and dry. All of us are tired of school and want to get out just as quickly as possible, but I have to ask, "Has the reason for wanting to get out changed?" At one time, we all wanted to get out as quickly as we could so we could pursue our music careers with everything that we had. I'm not sure that is the case anymore. I am just as guilty of this for going to class this summer and making the band unavailable for camps and the like. Is this wrong? I'm not sure. But I do feel bad about it and it is not something that I wanted to do. At one point in time, band took priority over all other things, school, family, work, and any other thing that you could think of. Classes were skipped, family vacations and reunions missed, work missed and an endless list of other things all took back seat to the one thing that mattered most to us...God's ministry and God's music. However, I think that the reason that we are more comfortable with the abuse of those is now we look at it as...our ministry and our music.
If you have read this, you now know exactly the things that are on our hearts in One Way. We are all struggling with where we are and with what God wants us to do. Once again, please do not take this to mean that we are breaking up or anything of the such. We are NOT. I will ask that you pray with and for us and we try to seek God's face and his direction for us as a ministry, band, and individuals.

More than words...

I have really been struggling lately with the once simple task of jotting down a few words and then putting them to some catchy music and calling it "songwriting". That last statment really jumps out at me and screams immaturity and maybe lets me know that there is perhaps a few reasons for my inability to shell out the lyrics these days.
A few years ago it seemed so easy to just spill out some words and call it a song. I think that part of the reason for that was the words were so shallow. Don't get me wrong, yes, they did lift up God and yes they did turn into songs that people liked and enjoyed singing; but they were still shallow. The words that I would write and sing were written because they were what was right. That is what we were supposed to sing about. We knew that God was supposed to be great, and awesome, and amazing, and good and all of that other stuff that we learn in sunday school, but the truth was that we didn't "know" it personally. It was easy to jot down things like that. These days it is not as easily done.

I feel, hope, and know that I have grown in my faith in the past years and learned more about Jesus, my ministry, my faith, and myself. I think that this is the reason that these words are so much harder to write. The way I feel about my relationship with Christ can not be put into the simple words that I used to use. Now, when I write a song or try to explain to others through music what it feels like to know Him, what it feels like to know that you are inadequate, and what it feels like to need Him, I look at the words and feel that they are not good enough for my Father. He is the Saviour, the glory of the world and of all the ages, he deserves the best.
I have recently realized the truth in King David's words, "my righteousness is as filthy rags". I am dirty. I am unclean, and in truth, not worthy of singing praises to the Father or even calling Him by name. I am so thankful that he allows me and us to do so, we are so undeserving and so unappreciative. I feel as though the words that I need to describe how I feel are not known to any human language. Words seem so much harder to write because they now mean so much more than before. They are more personal and more meaningful. I want them to be something that when God hears them it makes him smile and perhaps even makes a tear of joy run down his eye at the sound, at the thought of one of his children singing that song for Him. I want him to be happy and proud.

Right now we have seven or eight songs that will go on the next album and we would like to have eleven full length songs. I have done most of the writing for this album and I feel as though it is not as good for the reason that I do not feel adequate to write for my God. However, he will provide, he always does. I want to really believe that. I want to believe that he will provide the words and music for me to give him this gift of praise and to offer the talents that he has given me, back to him. These next four or five songs on the album I believe will be much different than any of the others that will be on there. I am not exactly sure how they will be different, but I can just feel in my soul that they will be and hopefully much more effective in conveying the Gospel of Truth to believers and to the lost and my message of love to my Father.