Desperately Wanting...

Yes, I know that it as been a while. In this rat race that we as the human race call life, I just have not had that much time to actually sit down and write anything. The only real reason that I'm doing it now is because I just need to vent and perhaps through the bleeding of my mind onto this computer screen I can figure out just what is going on up there.
First of all, what the crap is wrong with me? Excluding the fact that I woke up to a cold shower, was almost late for class, miss the one I love, am stressed out about money, am stressed out about finals, am stressed out about many other things, what is going on? I don't understand what is going on in my head. Perhaps I just woke up in a foul mood today; that's the only logical explanation that I can come up with. I know that the majority of it is just letting things get to me and plague my sanity because they stay in my mind too long and get thought on entirely too much. But you see, I have this thing wrong with me where I think about something and then I think about other things and how they all fit together or don't, and then by the time I am through making up these ideas in my head I am practically trying on my straight jacket.
I just returned from the most amazing weekend I have ever experienced. It was full of laughter and joy, tears and smiles...just love and good stuff all around. Within four days I am feeling insecure about everything? Where did that come from? Perhaps it is due to my history of the holidays. My mom pointed out the fact about a year or so ago that I always seemed to get my heart broken shortly after Christmas. I'm sure that said people were not intentionally dumping me after they got all the could out of me for the holidays but my mom sure seemed to think so. Maybe I'm just scared. I mean, I know that I'm really not going to get left but this just isn't a good time of the year for me.
There are other things that are really bothering me too. I can't talk about them. Have you ever tried to keep something inside of you that was bothering you? It's a killer. Not that there is a killer inside of you just that keeping something inside of you, it's like a killer...ok I don't know where I was going there. The fact that you have to keep something inside and can't talk about it makes it fester, it makes it become even larger than what it is. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad, the principle applies to both cases.
At times, sacrifice is hard. I know that it has to exist in order for us to be able to prove ourselves to others and most of all to God. He sacrificed for us. He was totally miserable for us and even died for us, but we complain about having to deal with a few issues that are probably much more trivial than we are making them out to be. But what do we do about those issues. Yes Christ does care and he wants to listen to all of those concerns, but if we are truthful, so many times we feel like that even if he does want to listen to our whines that there is nothing he can do about them. Whoa! What did I just say? Yeah, I think that sometimes we really think that. We may not verbalize it, but by our actions that is what we say. Maybe it's not that bad to be miserable or to go without for the one you love. It is probably more rewarding for you than it is for them. In the end, you know that you did that for them because you love them. Just like parents do so thanklessly. Think about how many times that your parents probably did without just to make sure that you had something special. I know mine did it every year at Christmas, I'm sure that yours did the same. Then, the question arises, "What if they don't appreciate my sacrifice for them?" Some would tell you that you shouldn't ask that question and because you did, you did it with the wrong motives and it probably hurt more than it helped. I believe that if that person truly loves you, they will appreciate your sacrifice and will sacrifice for you many times over. It might not be the same month or even the same year, but they will if they really share the same passion that you do. That is how love really works. It's two sided but fits together just perfectly with one other piece, just like a "lego". Love.
See you in the clouds...

I'm not crazy cuz I take the right pills...everyday...

This is definetly going to prove to be one of those weeks that really tests what you are made of, jello or molded bread. I'm not really sure which of those would be the better but one is soft and one is hard so take your pick. Anyway, to sort of let those of you who would perhaps care what I'm looking at this week I've decided to post my schedule that I have written of of precise things that I have to do this week. Keep in mind, that this schedule does not include paying bills or pumping gas, both of which take tremendous amounts of energy. (no I can't fly everywhere) So, here we go.

Monday
11:00-11:15 - Food
11:30-4:30 - Work
4:30-4:45 - Blah
5:00-8:00 - Class (study for huge testS on Tuesday morning)
8:00-9:45 - Work out
10:00-11:30 - Molly
11:30-1:30 - Study for huge testS and do stupid quiz for Gerontology
Tuesday
6:00-6:30 - Get up
6:30-7:45 - Study for huge testS
8:00-9:15 - Test #1
9:30-10:45 - Test #2
11:00 - 12:00 - Work out
12:00-12:30 - Swim
12:30-1:00 - Shower
1:00-5:00 - Work
5:30-8:30 - Nat's ballgame
9:30-11:00 - Molly
Wednesday
6:30-9:30 - Help Dad pour concrete
10:00-11:15 - Chill
11:30-4:30 - Work
5:30-7:00 - Work out
7:00-7:30 - Swim?
8:00-9:00 - Online Test for stupid Gerontology
9:30-11:30 - Molly
Thursday
8:00-9:15 - Class
9:30-10:45 - Class
11:00-12:15 - Work out
1:00-5:00 - Work
5:30-6:15 - Swim
7:00-8:30 - SMALLVILLE
9:00-12:00 - Drive and Arrive
Friday
7:00-7:45 - Get ready and leave
9:00-10:00 - First Assembly
10:15-11:30 - Walmart for pictures
12:00-1:30 - Work out (I hope)
2:00-5:00 - Chill with Molly (maybe)
5:30-10:00 - Game
10:00-12:00 - Who knows...maybe I'll be lucky and the world will need saving then.

-All of the above is subject to change without notice.
It will be quite easy for me to lose myself in the midst of all of this stuff that has to be done. I'm really worried about those tests tomorrow. I don't know when I'm going to have time to study for them sufficiently. I'm sure it will all work out. Saturday and Sunday will be a little less strenuous. Satruday, Molly has swim meet and I get to watch her for the first time. That will be great. Then we get to watch a movie downtown on the wall of a building and that will be cool. Sunday will be normal and Crowder is Monday. I sure hope that the world doesn't need saving until Friday at 10:00pm. That's the only time that I can fit it in without leaving other things undone. Well, their safety is more important than me finishing a list. Pray for me. I know we'll all make it out alright.
See you in the clouds...

Call on the Life...

Last night we played at the NCM like usual. Worship was refreshing and the "pre-show" skits were quite amusing; however, there was a special treat. And no, I'm not talking about dinner at Bob's house or the season premier of Smallville coming on. Although, both of those things did contribute to an amazing night. A friend of ours that used to play in the band with us was speaking and bringing the word last night. The last time that Rog had spoke he talked about warfare and the battles that we wage each and everyday whether we want to or not. Rog is a fellow fighter and hero. The words that be brings from the Father are often inspiring and something that I need to here.
Rog's main point was this, "Where the thoughts go, the man will follow." He made the observation that often times when we dwell on situations of anger or depression those are the things that we become. Whatever we surround ourself with, this is to be our fate. He brought out the point that the Word tells us to think on things that are good, true, pure, and beautiful. If we think on these things then we will be on a greater level with the Father and we will just be happier in general. It makes very logical sense when you think about it. If you think about bad things then you will feel bad and the Enemy can easily get a foothold on you and break you down. If you think on good thoughts and speak good and truth in your life then the Father will have an even greater opprotunity to release His power within you.
All of these things made me think to myself, that a lot of times I am not as happy as I probably could be. For one reason or another I worry about things and dwell on things that are less the beautiful and good and pure. I will allow a thought to come into my head and become so consumed with it that I will almost believe it and will practically have to fly and check it out for myself to make sure the catastrophe that I have dreamed up in my head is not real. That is no way to live. I'm a child of the King with a caller larger than I can imagine and truly fathom. True, that is a massive amount of responsibility, but should I not be thrilled that the Father has chosen me?
When Rog was closing last night he didn't pray with us. He spoke blessings over the entire congregation. He said, "May God bless you and may truth be spoken in your lives and may no curses fall on you." He said some other things too, but I can't exactly remember them all. I got to thinking about, "where the thoughts go, the man will follow." I began to ask myself if I still saw myself as "super" as others did and if I still believed myself to be a warrior in God's army. I had to admit to myself that my thoughts had been in other areas and focused on other things. I had strayed from my thoughts of constant worship of the Father and battling his enemies. I had to fight my weaknesses. I did not want to give in to lust, saddness, lonliness, anger, jealousy, greed, or any other number of things that can plague us all.
Like Peter Pan said, "think happy thoughts and you can fly". Maybe that is the secret. It's a little easier for me than for some...to fly that is. It is hard at times to think good things and focus on the good and not the bad. I am fighting it though. This could quite possibly prove to be one of my toughest foes yet. With the help of the Father, my fellow heroes, and my "super-woman" I know that the good will prevail.

Proverbs 18:21 Those who love to talk will experience the consequences, for the tongue can kill or nourish life.

Choose your words and your thoughts carefully. Don't speak death to yourself and the others that you love. Call on the life and the love that is so available.
See you in the clouds...

Our Happy Home...

Well it is almost here. The season premier of our lovely addiction. Smallville. In preparing for the up and coming first episode of the fifth season of this superhero's life, I watched a few episodes from the last season. I wanted to catch up on a few things that I may have forgotten about or perhaps just to rekindle the fires of addiction. I watched the last disk which included the last three episodes. After watching the last episode and being left at the killer cliff hanger I could not wait until this Thursday when everything would be revealed and questions would finally be answered. After I watched the last few I decided I would start over and watch from the beginning and just check out a few in between. I started at episode one. It begins with our superhero - with whom for some reason I greatly relate to - returning to Smallville via a lightning storm and he gets found by Lois. When Mom finally finds him at the hospital and takes him home she asks him where he had been. He replies with, "I was in a place that felt like home." WOW!
The David Crowder Band just put out their new album called A Collision. It's great you should go and buy it. There is a song on there called Our Happy Home. The words to the chorus are this...

Jerusalem our happy home, Would God I were in thee
Would God my woes were at an end
Thy joy that I might see

Ok, let us assume for a moment that Jerusalem isn't just heaven but simply the presence of God. There are so many times that for some reason or another we find ourselves wondering where God is. Has he left us? Did we leave him? We have always been told that God would never "leave" us. This is true to some extent. He will never leave us alone and leave us unprotected. But at the same time, if he moves somewhere else, wanting us to move there too, we will not experience his true grace until we put whatever it takes aside to get to where he wants us to be. At times, and actually at this time, this song is much of how I feel and I am sure others the same. Our happy home, I wish to God I could be there. How we long to be in the fellowship of God. I wish to God my woes were at an end. We wish so many times that all of our probelms and all of our issues would be out of the way so we could get to God. Many times those trials are there for a reason. They make us grow, they build character in us and they give us the opprotunity to give praise where praise is due. Without Christ, how would we get through things that we do?
When finally we break though to where God wants us to be, to where we need to be, then he restores the joy of His salvation. That road at times can be a long and stressful and rough journey. I'm saying this to you aswell as myself. In all of my strength and the powers that God has given me, I must realize that I can not do this alone. I need him and I need you. We need each other to hold each other accountable and to lift each other up. Just as much as you need me to fight for you and encourage you, I need the same. Thank you for doing that. Live a life worthy of the calling that you have recieved. Although you might not know exactly what you are supposed to do, you know what you can do now. We can not all be superheros, teachers, doctors, singers, or pastors but we all have a mission in Christ. Keep pushing and just trust him that he will provide all you need. He has done and continues to do it for me. Rescue is coming...
...See you in the clouds...

Perfect Imperfection...

Just what is perfection and what does it look like? Does it look like what Hollywood tells us it looks like with plastic implants all over the body and orange skin that closely resembles dried out leather? Does it look like the church tells us and a trim and prim young man or young lady carrying their bible with a perfect attitude and being all sweet and nice? Does it look like an angel or God?
Perfection to me and perfection to you are more likely than not two entirely different things. For instance when you love someone you see them as "perfect". They are not perfect in the sense that they have no faults and no blemishes and that they can do no wrong. No. They are perfect in the sense that they compliment you and everything about you. Where you are weak they are strong and visa versa. To me, perfection looks like this, brown hair, blue eyes, big smile and huge heart. That could be anyone. But I know who it is. That could be the same thing that perfection looks like to you. Maybe it looks like blonde hair and bluish green eyes and a big cheesy grin. It could look like long brown hair with brown eyes and a goofy looking grin. I don't know what it looks like to you.
I wrote a paper one time when I was in high school entitled, What Color is Love?. The paper took many different colors and compared them to each other and showed that there were different levels and different kinds of love. Just as there are many different kinds and levels of love there are equally as many kinds of perfection. Although we may think the ones that we love are perfect-and they are for us-they are actually mere perfect imperfections that add joy and excitement to our everyday lives. They all have little things about them that make them not "picture perfect" but that make them perfect for each of us.
There is one who was and is perfect in every way. He is the "picture perfect". He loved selflessly. He was infinitely bold and so humble and caring all at the same time. He never did one thing that was not called for. That is what true perfection looks like.
So, what does your picture of perfection look like? I'm not saying that it's not ok to think of the ones you love as perfect, because they are for you. What I'm saying is don't get perfect imperfections mixed up with the perfect.
See you in the clouds...

Little things...

In a book that a read one time it discussed different things that would edify a man's inner strength and courage and it also touched on a number of things that could destroy it. It spoke of how perhaps there was something in your past, an episode with your dad or maybe a horrible heart break, things that really could have eaten away at the core of what you were to be as a man. The book touched on knowing a stronger side of Christ and the side that was a warrior and the side that flipped tables over in the synagogue because he was outraged at the way that His house was being treated. Christ would get angry when Israel and his church (his bride) would do things that didn't really make any sense and he knew that where they were going and the things that they were exposing themselves to would just bring them down and take them even further away from Him.
The book made the point that every time that we as men push down our anger and our natural instinct to get upset about something that we sabotage our strength. The question that I have is at what point do you say ok, I have to control myself and not lash out at this situation and at what point do you say, "No I'm not going to keep this inside of myself and therein belittle myself and my true strength and masculinity". This is quite the confusing topic for me. There have been recent things in my life where used to I would have thrown one of those "gallupian fits" and then released all of my rage. But there is also a side of me that has seen the damage that those bursts of anger can cause and the hurt that they can bring. I don't want to experience that and hurt others like that again. At the same time, I am faced with the fact that if I do not release that frustration that I will become calloused and eventually release all of that anger in one place and cause a lot of hurt and damage. I don't want to hurt my inner strength and wound myself as a man, but at the same time I don't want to hurt others that I love. This state of mind is quite troublesome to me and I do not know what to do.
I wrote about this some in class this morning and I asked God to help me lay it down at his feet and not only to lay it down but to leave it there. I know that in the state that my mind and spirit are in I can not perform my job and mission as he would have me to do. I can not rescue those that need it and I can not fight for those that need it when I am having a civil war in my own heart and mind. Father I need you to direct my paths and give me guidance. I know that as a follower of You that I am supposed to be loving, caring, understanding, humble and patient; at the same time I know that as a warrior and leader that I am supposed to be brave, courageous, stern and strong. I know that there is a middle ground in there somewhere. These little things that get to me and make me want to get angry I know are trivial and they shouldn't bother me at all. Perhaps that is why I know that I should not get frustrated with them and release my anger because I know that there is no real cause to release it. Then again, maybe that is the evil one whispering lies in my ear and wanting me to let others go unrescued and undefended. Only you know the truth Father. I need your strength and your guidance. From you is where I recieve my power and my strength and my will to go on fighting and worshiping.
See you in the clouds...

The Best of You...?

"As soon as you're outta college you're outta here. I'll prolly give you a week or two you know, but I have to make you wake up and put you out there in the real world. I can get some slobby student to do this job. I ain't gonna keep you around here after you graduate." These are the words that came from my supervisor as my heart fell to the ground as though it were totally engulfed in kryptonite. Holy crap, what am I going to do now?
As if this were not enough, I'm having loads of trouble out of financial aid and my student loans that will probably someday just be there to piss me off. It's amazing to me how you can call this person that tells you to call that person and then you wind up talking to a freaking foreigner that can barely speak your language (English) and you can't understand anything that the fool is saying. School is kicking my butt. It's not the fact that it is hard, because right now it's not because I'm not in it - it's summertime. I don't know what I'm going to about school. I'm pretty sure that I have enough hours to change to General Studies with business concentration and graduate but is that what I really want? I know that I don't want to be at ULM any longer than I have to be. I know that I am totally burnt out on school. I'm sick of it. I really want to chase my dreams but is chasing my dreams selling me short of a career and a good education? These are questions that I do not know the answer to. I have came to the realization that no one reads this anyway, so I guess the only person that I am talking to is You. I know that You have all of the answers but I can't even seem to get one. Do you think that I could borrow at least one? Frustration becomes me.
I know that it will all work out eventually and that You will provide for me and for my ministry and for my family. Right now, it just seems so grim and bleek. I'm scared and I'm not sure what to do. Some direction would be more than nice.

Where is my head, where are my bones...

Well, I miss you. Plain and simple. I just left you last night. That doesn't make any sense. I can't make my head work right and think straight. It is quite the frustration. We were gone playing all weekend and you always seem to take it rather well. How do you do it? You never ever complain about me having to be gone because of music or other various types of "hero" work. Thank you for that. My mom told me yesterday that she missed me while I was gone to New Orleans and Mississippi. Before I could even ask the question to myself, she said, "How can I miss you when I don't ever see you anyway, you are thinking?" She said it was just the principle that I was not there. She could not just come and see me and knew where I would be if she wanted to. She missed that security. It didn't make a lot of sense to me until last night and even more so today. If I wanted to right now and got up my occasional wild-hare, I couldn't come and see you. You aren't there. Where is my head, where is my heart, where are my thoughts going with all of this rambling on? I miss that security.
You are in my prayers as always. I feel the Father pressing on me that you will need me more than ever this week. You will need me to fight for you as the Evil one will be trying to keep you down and away from what God really wants to show you about himself. I promise, I will be fighting for you. I know that you won't read this until you get back on Saturday and you might not read it until Sunday night, but that's ok too. Thank you for always fighting for me and praying for me. It's nice to know that heroes can have heroes too. Thank you for caring for me and loving me. I usually am sickend by these mushy blogs that I see from other people and generally wind up making fun of them. Perhaps because that's just the kind of sick people that me and my friends are. I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't feel quite as bad to say what I'm thinking (or signing) right now. I hope that you listened to whatever He was trying to tell you and show you. He loves us and we should love Him back with all that we have. He is the source of our love and our gifts and all of our power. He will keep us all focused on our real mission.
Well, I'm sure that this will be one of a few blogs this week. Pink Floyd and Led Zepplin are inspiring me to write a few things. And of course I'll be missing you and I'll have to find some way to vent that. You are beautiful and you are a princess. Thank you for letting me love you and for loving me. See you in the clouds...

My turn now...

"I will believe it when I see a piece of paper that says you are graduating". These are the words that I hear from my dear ole dad when I tell he and my mom that I will finally be graduating in the Spring of 2006. I have been in school now for five years and this will be my sixth. Most people have a masters degree after going to school that long. This is extremely sad, yes? When a good friend of mine graduated a year or so ago, he became very upset over the fact that he was now in the "real world" and had to be an "adult". I didn't exactly understand his trouble. I had a job, why couldn't he find one? And what exactly was the big deal about getting a job and being out of school? Shouldn't it be great to not have to go?
Well, I am starting to get a taste of what my friend was feeling and if this feeling in my gut is correct as usual then that taste will do nothing but get worse. Right now, I have an excellent job. I work at a steel company (haha..how ironic) and it's a good office job that pays well. Thanks to my God, I have been able to do well here and fit in well with the people. My supervisor and big boss have talked with me about the possibility of trying to find something permanent for me here when I graduate. This should be great. Right?
Here's the delima. Like my friend, I am in a worship band that is doing better than ever and I can feel God's presence in our ministry like never before. I love every aspect of the music ministry. It has been my dream to sing and play professionally as long as I can remember. If I were to graduate and get offered this full time job, then there would be times that I wouldn't just be able to take off for band stuff. If I turned down the full time job, then I could possibly lose my part time job aswell. However, I would be chasing my dream and fulfilling the life of a starving musician. So, do I take one road and try to prepare for my family and my future or do I take the other and chase my dream. All of my heart wants to chase my dream. Like Broussard said, "If you don't chase your dream, then someone else will." At the same time, I feel the responsibility of providing for my family. I know that God will always provide for me and my family and our ministry as long as we are giving him the glory and doing things right. Perhaps it really is nothing at all to worry about.
I feel like God is about to do something big in our ministry and make all of these decisions so much easier for us. But I feel like that first step into full time ministry is going to be a rather significant leap of faith. I'm scared...can a hero be scared? ...See you in the clouds...

Just some mindless ramblings...

You know there are certain times in a man’s life when he begins to ask himself this question; what am I here for? On one hand I have to say, I know the reason for my existence and I know what it is that I have been called to do. On the other, I ask myself, if this is what I am supposed to be doing then why can’t I seem to do it successfully?
I mean really, I try and I try each and every day to do the “right” thing and still I find myself falling even less than short of what it is that I am shooting for. I guess I try to be perfect, I try to satisfy everyone and most of all myself and God. I try to save everyone and I know that with all of the powers that I have, I can’t. There is no way that I can be everywhere and do everything all the time. God is the only one who can do that. He is the supreme power and the super hero of super heroes, the warrior of warriors. How I long to be more like that.
I find myself falling to the same enemies more regularly than before. Well, I guess it is more regularly. I mean, I know that I fight harder than I used to and with more intensity so maybe that’s why when I do fall prey to them, it seems more devastating to me. A friend recently told me that I can’t be perfect and that I can’t be strong all of the time. This is true. This friend said that I was stronger than most people that she knew. This really meant a lot to me. To be recognized and lifted up as a warrior in God’s army. I don’t want to boast so let me say, that God has brought me closer to Him and allowed me to see more of Him and realize what else is going on around us that we don’t see normally. Through his grace I have just become more aware of the enemies that torment us daily.
It is such an encouragement to know that I don’t have to fight all of these battles alone. I know that I have a friend and a fellow warrior (princess) fighting along side of me and praying for my daily and constantly. I know that I have Christ standing at my side and in front of me taking all of the blows that I should be taking and standing up for me and praying for me to the Father too.
Even with all of this, at times I still feel inadequate to fulfill my duties as a warrior in the Almighty’s army and to be the hero that this world so desperately needs. Maybe that is what I’m having to come to grips with now. Even with all of the abilities God has blessed me with, I still can’t do this on my own and I am inadequate. I can’t do it for my own glory or for my own reasons. I have to do it to glorify the Father. I have to seek His council and his love at all times. “He will not allow more temptation than you can handle to come to you. He will always provide you a way out of it.”…I Corinthians 10. I know that we are all stronger in Christ and that through Him we can do ANYTHING. Christ has given us a power and an authority through His name that makes us stronger than anything the enemy can throw at us. It’s time for a change in our strategy against the enemy. Father, give us strength to make it and to press on when we think that we are defeated and make your strength perfect in our weakness.
Now, with all of that said, let’s go and save the world….See you in the clouds…

Flying and other problems...

Here I am yet again at work and with every ounce of my being TRYING to appear busy. I have done all of the work that is really required of me right now and I'm at the "look busy" stage. Anyway, while I sit here I think about several different things that plague my mind at their joy and my expense. First of all is school and the fact that I still haven't been advised yet and if I intend on graduating next spring, this is probably something that I should get done rather quickly. Also along with that is finals, the dreaded tests that teachers recieve their devilish grins from as students literally make themselves sick studying for them.
Next would probably be my first flight and how I can't wait until I get to take another. I have wanted to write a blog about my first flight but it was just so amazing that I really could not find the words that I needed to talk about it. Thank goodness that I was able to pull it off with no one getting hurt or letting the world fall into some sort of catastrophic state. I guess the "hero" came out on top again. It was definetly a place that felt like home and I felt as though a part of me had been reborn. I really don't know what else to say about that flight...it was amazing.
Perhaps the thing weighing the heaviest on my mind right now is a close friend of mine and a fellow fighter. He is like me in a lot of ways yet so different and more negative than I could ever dream of being. He is in a lot of pain and may have to undergo some surgery to fix him and I have to admit that I have been somewhat selfish in the fact that I just don't want to have to do it without him. He's really an important part of what we do. We have all noticed somewhat of an increased negativity in his attitude and this bothers us...a lot. We all have to understand that our REAL jobs come first...before family, school, relationships and everything. That's just how this thing works. We have been called to something bigger and more important than our own selves. I hope he understands that. If anyone at all reads this...please pray for us and for him that I don't throw him through a wall and the other two don't tear his head off. Seriously, pray for him and his problems and us too that the enemy wouldn't be able to get in. Gotta go, hero stuff to do...See you in the clouds...

First flight...

I don't think that I have ever been this nervous. Have I ever been this anxious about anything? I don't really think so. I have been roaming around all day just wondering and thinking to myself about the logistics of what I have to do. I have come to this conclusion, there is absolutely nothing logical about it. I mean really. There are so many things that tell me that this is impossible but then I hear this voice in my head saying, "No, it's ok. Calm down and do what you are supposed to do. Fulfill your destiny and be who you are meant to be." That's really easy for him to say. He doesn't have the consequences that I could have to face. I just don't know.
This morning in the weight room, as if I weren't shaky enough, I was pulling on some cable and weights (trying to keep the open display of what I can really do to a minimum ya know) and as I was pulling down on it the cable snapped and all the weights came crashing down. As I said before, like I needed anything else to get me shook up. My heart was going 90 to nothing for a pretty good while after that. I couldn't run and couldn't quit talking to God in the steam room because it was just so thick on my mind. This is killing me.
Very seldom if ever do I get to sit at work and do absolutely nothing. Jeff just told me, "Here I can give this to you to put on your desk and make you look busy. You've already done everything that I have here." After that big honkin job that I just got through with I should be welcoming some free time and relaxation. But of all days, today! Now, I'm stuck here and having to think about it. I'm excited yeah, but horrified all the same. What if I screw up? People's lives could be at stake. The world as we know it could even cease to exist. Oh the pressure. Is this what makes me do the best job that I can or what keeps me from doing the best? So many questions and just not enough answers or time to find all of the answers.
I know what I have to do and I don't have a choice as to whether or not I can do it. It must be done. I have to know what it's like. I've been waiting for something, I've been sitting for too long. I've been waiting but oh tonight this one last try goes on and on and on. Well I guess it's now or never.
... See you in the clouds...

To become something else...

More often than not, when we want something we will usually go to whatever means it takes to get thing. This is of course considering how badly that we want it. Just think about the modern world, and or America that we live in. It's the American dream. Shoot for the stars, make lots of money, buy lots of things, have lots of debt. It's the way we live all for this to be in pursuit of some kind of happiness, some sort of adventure and grandeur. Our focus should be somewhere else.
In a movie about a good friend of mine,(Bruce Wayne, know him from some club)anyway, there is a statement made by his mentor that goes something like this, "To follow is one thing, but to devote your self entirely to a principle...then you become something else." What does it really mean to devote yourself so much to something that you change, transform, take your self to a different level in every aspect of being? What exactly does that take? This is what we have been called to do as disciples of Christ. He wants us to not focus on other things but only, and completely on Him. Just as was said, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all other things will be added to you." We are to look to him and devote ourselves to him.
In the times of ancient Japan, the samurai woke up in the morning and for the entire day devoted themselves to whatever it was that they did. They did this everyday of their lives from sun up to sun down. They trained and the taught and they served. They devoted themselves entirely to a group of principles called the Bushido. Is not our calling for warriors of God's army that much more important? We are expected to serve with the utmost intensity and truly seek out everything there is to know about Him.
God loves to bless his children, but he really wants someone to look past the spiritual gifts and blessings and really week Him. He wants to know us in a very personal and intimate way. When we will truly seek his face not just his hands and what he can do for us we will learn things about God and ourselves that we didn't know about.
When we decide to lay down all other things of this world and realize that the truth of the matter is that they don't matter. If we will seek God personally, and chase him and pursue him and devote ourselves to finding more and more of him then we, will become something else. We will become the warriors and servants that we were meant to become. Like Paul, Peter, and Timothy, the Spirit of God was with them in such a way that people could see it and sense it and the demons were totally horrified of them, because the power of the blood of Christ was upon them. They spoke more bodly than anyone in the bible before, second only to Christ himself.
We are to be transformed by the renewing of our spirits in the power of Christ. Give into him and truly seek everything about Him. Not just the "toys" that he gives us, seek God himself. It's going to be exciting. Stay strong and fight hard. Devote yourself and become something else. See you in the clouds...

My birthday...

Well yesterday was my birthday, the day of my entry into this world. I turned twenty-three years old yesterday. To be totally honest, it was one of the best ones that I've ever had.
The night before, we had set up at West Monroe First and stayed there a while trying to get things just right. After we got through, against my initial judgment, we went to Waffle House. I am a closet fan of Waffle House, or at least that's the only thing that I can come up with to describe my feelings for it. Anyway, after eating too much and having at least one too many cups of coffee, I wound up staying up until about 1:30am. This put a great kink in my normally getting up at 6:45am to workout and throw bad guys around and do my morning flying and what not. So, needless to say, Thursday morning I didn't quite wake up and make it to do those things that well, I do.
That night I got to talk to someone that is totally amazing. I just don't see how God could create such an awesome person with such awesome powers and capabilities and gifts. It totally doesn't make sense. Sometimes the greatest gifts that we can recieve aren't the ones that we deserve. If we all got what we deserved it would be death, we are all born evil and into an evil world. But through the love of Christ he continues to bless us and give us people and relationships in our lives. I really believe that on the night of March 9, 1982...when I was born into this world...I believe that God smiled down on my parents and on me because he knew even then the mission that he had for me and for this someone that I'm talking about. TWENTY-THREE years ago! He knew! He knew about us before he even created the world. How totally amazing is that?
This person, has a way to speak the words of God and the words of encouragment to me like no other. I never have to wonder as to whether or not they are praying for me and fighting along side of me. I have never had an experience or relationship like that. It's really amazing. It's so awesome how just on conversation or even just a couple of words can make a day seem so much more intense. Those words are even more impacting when they are God inspired. So to you, that person that I talked to, thank you for allowing God to use you. And everyone else, thank you for being who you are to me and continuing to fight for Christ. Thanks for the great birthday everyone! The Tokyo and Be Cool was totally awesome. "I AM COOL!!" See you in the clouds...

My prayer...

Could someone please explain to me how it is that someone called to so great of a task can fall so susceptible to the powers of this world. Should we not be above all of these petty powers of Satan and his demons? I mean really. I just can not seem to understand my own weakness. It is mine, should I not understand where it comes from. Over and over again I literally beg Christ to take it away. And of course just as with Paul, he says, My strength is made perfect in your weakness. I understand this but yet I do not.
I wish I knew why I continually turned to a sin that at one time I was so far above. It very literally infuriates me to think that I again and again fall to the same temptation of my old self. What is it in me that has allowed my old self to come back to life? It is so far beyond me that I almost just do not want to think about it sometimes and just write it off.
At times I simply want to forget about all of it and just live my life what would be called normally. However, I know that I can not do this. I have been called to a mission so much bigger than myself. I have been called to be The Last Son and The Last Hope of this a dying generation. Why is it that a part of me continues to try and rebel that wonderful gift, that amazing power from on high that knows no boundary. I am a warrior. I am a commander in the army of GOD. When will I truly embrace my role?
Satan feels as though he has me exactly where he wants me. If I were to be one hundred percent true to myself, I would admit that he really does have an edge over me. The reason for this is, I will not let Christ fight my battles. I am set and determined to fight them on my own. I am so hard headed that I push myself away from the Father more and more everyday with my own selfish desires to be powerful and a mighty warrior. I fail to take into consideration that I receive all of my power and strength from Him and Him alone.
Father, allow me to worship You. Help me to live my life as a living sacrifice for You. I need your help and your guidance. I need your strength. Defeat my enemies for me and allow me to stand at your side in the battle. Place my armor on me and tell me which battles to fight and give me the courage to fight them as a child of GOD. Father I love you, JESUS I love you, Holy Spirit I love you. Father place my helmet on me and give me the Sword of the Spirit and bless my battles and my talents for you. Give me courage to fight Satan and kick him in the face. Help me to vanquish as many of his demons as I can. Father, allow me to show others about you and tell them the Good News that Paul was talking about. Use me. See you in the clouds…

Constant battle...

How in the world does it seem that Satan is more aware of our own weaknesses and situations in our life than we are. We could simply be talking about something and then it will turn up perhaps the next day that Satan has totally exploited the fact that was under discussion.
For instance, last night, a friend and I were talking about the door that God has for us to open and what we have to do to get to that door and to open it. We shared the fact that we feel that there is a message to be relayed to us and then in turn, through us.
I shared a vision that a lady had told me that she had recieved one night while we were playing. She said that there was a door. That door has wooden bars infront of it keeping us from opening it. She said that God told her that only we knew what the bars were and how to remove them. Once they were removed then, we could open the door and see what God had for us on the other side of that door.
After sharing this with my friend, he and I both became completly amazed at what God was telling us and what he could be trying to do with us. We talked about the probablilty that those bars are little things in our lives that are keeping us from truly being in the will of God.
We were talking about one of our fellows and how we should be praying for him because we were worried about him and some of his current situations. And I'm telling you the Devil heard every single word that we said. Today, he called and said that he wouldn't make it tonight or for the concert tomorrow night. There had arisen a problem in his life, a problem that we were talking about only the night before. It was totally insane and almost scary.
Bottom line, we have to be on guard and ready to fight Satan because he will pop his demons up on us anywhere and everywhere. We can fight back, with the power of Christ we can. We can ask for Jesus' protection and his strength that he gives us through the power of his name. So please, if you read this be encouraged and pick up your sword and shield and kick Satan in the face. And also, please keep my friend and the other three of us in your prayers. It is more than greatly appreciated.

Even super-heroes need a Savior.

....See you in the clouds....