Little things...

In a book that a read one time it discussed different things that would edify a man's inner strength and courage and it also touched on a number of things that could destroy it. It spoke of how perhaps there was something in your past, an episode with your dad or maybe a horrible heart break, things that really could have eaten away at the core of what you were to be as a man. The book touched on knowing a stronger side of Christ and the side that was a warrior and the side that flipped tables over in the synagogue because he was outraged at the way that His house was being treated. Christ would get angry when Israel and his church (his bride) would do things that didn't really make any sense and he knew that where they were going and the things that they were exposing themselves to would just bring them down and take them even further away from Him.
The book made the point that every time that we as men push down our anger and our natural instinct to get upset about something that we sabotage our strength. The question that I have is at what point do you say ok, I have to control myself and not lash out at this situation and at what point do you say, "No I'm not going to keep this inside of myself and therein belittle myself and my true strength and masculinity". This is quite the confusing topic for me. There have been recent things in my life where used to I would have thrown one of those "gallupian fits" and then released all of my rage. But there is also a side of me that has seen the damage that those bursts of anger can cause and the hurt that they can bring. I don't want to experience that and hurt others like that again. At the same time, I am faced with the fact that if I do not release that frustration that I will become calloused and eventually release all of that anger in one place and cause a lot of hurt and damage. I don't want to hurt my inner strength and wound myself as a man, but at the same time I don't want to hurt others that I love. This state of mind is quite troublesome to me and I do not know what to do.
I wrote about this some in class this morning and I asked God to help me lay it down at his feet and not only to lay it down but to leave it there. I know that in the state that my mind and spirit are in I can not perform my job and mission as he would have me to do. I can not rescue those that need it and I can not fight for those that need it when I am having a civil war in my own heart and mind. Father I need you to direct my paths and give me guidance. I know that as a follower of You that I am supposed to be loving, caring, understanding, humble and patient; at the same time I know that as a warrior and leader that I am supposed to be brave, courageous, stern and strong. I know that there is a middle ground in there somewhere. These little things that get to me and make me want to get angry I know are trivial and they shouldn't bother me at all. Perhaps that is why I know that I should not get frustrated with them and release my anger because I know that there is no real cause to release it. Then again, maybe that is the evil one whispering lies in my ear and wanting me to let others go unrescued and undefended. Only you know the truth Father. I need your strength and your guidance. From you is where I recieve my power and my strength and my will to go on fighting and worshiping.
See you in the clouds...