Desperately Wanting...

Yes, I know that it as been a while. In this rat race that we as the human race call life, I just have not had that much time to actually sit down and write anything. The only real reason that I'm doing it now is because I just need to vent and perhaps through the bleeding of my mind onto this computer screen I can figure out just what is going on up there.
First of all, what the crap is wrong with me? Excluding the fact that I woke up to a cold shower, was almost late for class, miss the one I love, am stressed out about money, am stressed out about finals, am stressed out about many other things, what is going on? I don't understand what is going on in my head. Perhaps I just woke up in a foul mood today; that's the only logical explanation that I can come up with. I know that the majority of it is just letting things get to me and plague my sanity because they stay in my mind too long and get thought on entirely too much. But you see, I have this thing wrong with me where I think about something and then I think about other things and how they all fit together or don't, and then by the time I am through making up these ideas in my head I am practically trying on my straight jacket.
I just returned from the most amazing weekend I have ever experienced. It was full of laughter and joy, tears and smiles...just love and good stuff all around. Within four days I am feeling insecure about everything? Where did that come from? Perhaps it is due to my history of the holidays. My mom pointed out the fact about a year or so ago that I always seemed to get my heart broken shortly after Christmas. I'm sure that said people were not intentionally dumping me after they got all the could out of me for the holidays but my mom sure seemed to think so. Maybe I'm just scared. I mean, I know that I'm really not going to get left but this just isn't a good time of the year for me.
There are other things that are really bothering me too. I can't talk about them. Have you ever tried to keep something inside of you that was bothering you? It's a killer. Not that there is a killer inside of you just that keeping something inside of you, it's like a killer...ok I don't know where I was going there. The fact that you have to keep something inside and can't talk about it makes it fester, it makes it become even larger than what it is. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad, the principle applies to both cases.
At times, sacrifice is hard. I know that it has to exist in order for us to be able to prove ourselves to others and most of all to God. He sacrificed for us. He was totally miserable for us and even died for us, but we complain about having to deal with a few issues that are probably much more trivial than we are making them out to be. But what do we do about those issues. Yes Christ does care and he wants to listen to all of those concerns, but if we are truthful, so many times we feel like that even if he does want to listen to our whines that there is nothing he can do about them. Whoa! What did I just say? Yeah, I think that sometimes we really think that. We may not verbalize it, but by our actions that is what we say. Maybe it's not that bad to be miserable or to go without for the one you love. It is probably more rewarding for you than it is for them. In the end, you know that you did that for them because you love them. Just like parents do so thanklessly. Think about how many times that your parents probably did without just to make sure that you had something special. I know mine did it every year at Christmas, I'm sure that yours did the same. Then, the question arises, "What if they don't appreciate my sacrifice for them?" Some would tell you that you shouldn't ask that question and because you did, you did it with the wrong motives and it probably hurt more than it helped. I believe that if that person truly loves you, they will appreciate your sacrifice and will sacrifice for you many times over. It might not be the same month or even the same year, but they will if they really share the same passion that you do. That is how love really works. It's two sided but fits together just perfectly with one other piece, just like a "lego". Love.
See you in the clouds...